Happy Fu**ing Birthday

I cried last night before going to bed, I saw it coming. ONE MORE birthday. I'm 33 Jesus! then I'm going to be 40 and then I'll die!

My bdays back in my country were amazing. I remember my last bday there, three years ago: I met a guy by April 3, rocked my world first time I saw him and he invited me out and a relationship begun. My bday was a Monday, I flew to Puerto Rico for the weekend and had the most amazing party ever. Came back to my country by Sunday, on time for my real bday, woke up to my family singing happy birthday to me, with a little cake and balloons. Went to work and had my office decorated with balloons and a cake. Got back home and got dressed to a date with my newly met Marine.

Three years later, without my family, without the Marine (that ended up being an asshole, but that is another story) and in a country that for you to have a birthday party you have to celebrate it yourself...its kind of depressing. The scholarship I have gives me the exact money to survive lol so it's not like I can do much, and I'm not working therefore what am I supposed to do today? Happy f**ing birthday...

As you may know, I'm in a relationship with a Marine (not the one I met 3 years ago), a great guy that has finally given me peace... mental peace, joy, excitement, butterflies in my belly... but not even him could improve my mood yesterday. I feel so bad today, he called me last night because he wanted to be the first one to say happy birthday, and he was, for the second time in a rode :) but I couldn't feel happy. I wanted to go to bed, not to think, really I've thought about this a lot. I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, and I've tried, I've tried but it doesn't seem it is working. Should I go back to my country and just accept the fact that that is what I can have? Should I continue trying here? How do I know I've done everything possible to make my dreams come true or if I'm just abandoning?

This morning, when the alarm rang (I try to wake up by 0900) I did not wake up until 1100. I didn't want to wake up, I have a lot of things to do with the studies and all but I did not want to, I just did not care. What for? I'm in love with someone and I can't even be with him...so basically, everything I want I don't have. I'm doing this Insanity Training (exercise, body toning) so I had to wake up, if I miss a day the training gets pushed back...there you go, another thing I did not have, I couldn't even decide to be sad and not wake up.

I woke up and had some breakfast...my Marine told me not to leave the house from 0900 to 1400 so I knew he sent something. Someone was at the door by 1230, the mailman. My wonderful boyfriend had sent me flowers, all the way from the United States. Why am I sad? I have the must wonderful man, worrying about me, feeling guilty because he can't be with me to make me feel better.

There are so many bad things going on in the world, people with more difficult paths that mine and I insist to think I'm living a hell. There are two things I want for me, I always pray for that and I will wish it today as my birthday wish: I want to learn how to appreciate the small things life gives me and I want to be a wise woman. I go in life, always fighting, always wanting more, and never really enjoying what I have. The important, the valuable thing is the ride, not when you get off and finally get there.

Meaning: I'm going to do my exercises, I'll do my hair, I'll take a pic for my Marine with my beautiful flowers and I will go out (daylight haha) have a crappy meal, ice cream and a freaking cake.

...I'm just still not comfortable with the birthday stuff, so lets say: Happy Anniversary to me!